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Hi guys, welcome to episode 8 of how to get your sheet together.

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I really hope you're going to enjoy this episode because I personally think it's

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one of my best episodes,

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if not the best episode.

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And it's also about something that is very close to my heart.

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So let's have a look at the question that I received from my subscriber.

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And the question is,

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I try to do things just for fun,

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like dance classes,

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but as a perfectionist,

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I get so pissed off when I mess up that I stop enjoying the activity.

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What can I do so I can enjoy those activities?

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Finally, this is my podcast episode about perfectionism only.

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And as I've mentioned before, I am a recovering perfectionist.

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So this one is for my people.

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So first things first, what is perfectionism and what are the causes?

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Perfectionism is a personality disposition characterized by striving for

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flawlessness and setting exceedingly high standards of performance accompanied by

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overly critical evaluations of behavior,

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which pervades all areas of life,

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particularly work and school,

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and may also affect personal appearance and social relationships.

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Or,

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in English,

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you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to reach impossibly high standards while

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you harshly criticize your actions and it also affects your entire life.

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Perfectionism is also closely related to mental health disorders.

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For example, anxiety, check.

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Depression, check.

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And OCD, check.

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There's also other-oriented perfectionism, but I'm not going to be covering that today.

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Other-oriented perfectionism means that you hold others to impossible standards or

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you're being an overly demanding dick to other people.

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And it's basically the dark side of perfectionism because it is linked to narcissism and psychopathy.

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So for now, let's stick to the lighter side of it, which is, of course, self-torture.

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There are two components to perfectionism, strivings and concerns.

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So perfectionist striving is the striving for perfection and setting impossibly

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high performance standards.

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Perfectionist concerns are concerns about making mistakes,

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a fear of negative evaluation by others,

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and the feeling that there's a gap between your expectations and your performance.

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So here's the interesting part.

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Well, to me anyway.

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Unhealthy perfectionists score high in both of those components.

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So both the high standards and the concerns and fears.

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Healthy perfectionists have the same high standards, but they score low on the concerns and the fears.

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Now, let's have a look at the causes of perfectionism.

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Healthy perfectionism usually comes from parents who provide their child with a

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reliable and generally consistent relationship.

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They have clear and reasonable expectations.

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They encourage their child's performance,

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but don't make their love or positive attention dependent on it.

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And they respond in supportive and encouraging ways.

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I know, what a dream, right?

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Unhealthy perfectionism comes from a situation in which the parents are clear that

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their expectations will never be met or they are inconsistent or unclear with their expectations.

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So the child's performance seems to matter too much or not at all.

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And that overshadows the child's need for self-worth or a relationship with their parent.

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And as a result...

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The child will learn to give more importance to their performance than their emotional needs.

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And then this leads to the child ignoring their emotional needs and then striving

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to be perfect as a way to maintain recognition or to avoid criticism or punishment.

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Now,

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if you have just cried after hearing this,

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like I did when I looked into it all those years ago,

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I absolutely feel your pain and I'm sending you a lot of love because I know how

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difficult it can be.

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To go back to the question,

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from what I hear,

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your perfectionism and the frustration you feel is stopping you from learning and

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enjoying an activity.

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So it looks like you are more towards the unhealthy side of the perfectionism spectrum.

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My first tip is to go to a CBT therapist because it has worked wonders for me and

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actually it has been proven to work really well for people with perfectionism.

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If that is not an option,

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there are some other techniques that I've used in my personal journey and those are

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related to changing my standards,

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reducing self-criticism and exposure therapy.

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Let's start with the standards.

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The first strategy,

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the first technique is to work on you shoulding all over yourself,

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which means that you are constantly telling yourself that you should be or you

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should do something.

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For example, I should always be the best.

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That was me.

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I always had to be the best.

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And also, of course, that had to happen immediately, please and thank you.

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So

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It is really important to challenge thoughts like that every time you can.

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So whenever it pops up, challenge it.

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Do you really have to be the best at everything all the time?

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Of course not.

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And also, that's not possible.

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So challenge that.

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Second strategy, bring your standards and goals amongst the mortals.

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So a really good way to do that is by finding a job in corporate and then comparing

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yourself to others because I honestly have never seen so much incompetence in my life.

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I'm only half joking about that.

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Now, how can you know that the standard that you set up for yourself is actually amongst the mortals?

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Well, if you find it hard to determine that, then you can check in with others or you can do research.

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For example,

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you can ask your dance teacher what you can reasonably expect to be able to do

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within a certain time frame.

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And that will make things a lot easier for you because you know what to expect, more or less.

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Especially when you're doing something new,

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it is also really important to tell yourself that you are learning and that you are

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experimenting and that there's no way that you're going to excel at it because

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you're basically a toddler at this point and you wouldn't expect a toddler to be

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able to dance like a pro,

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right?

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So tell yourself that you are learning, you are experimenting and basically you are being a toddler.

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Another strategy to change your standards is to gain perspective on what matters.

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So ask yourself how important this actually is.

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Is it really going to affect your life massively if you misstepped a few times

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while learning how to dance,

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for example?

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Probably not, right?

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So again, challenge yourself.

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How important is all of this?

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The next strategy related to standards is to focus on progress and not the end result.

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Progress over perfection.

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Okay, this is important.

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Compare yourself to where you started a little while ago and not to a person who

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has danced their entire life,

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for example.

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So always compare yourself to yourself and have a look at how much you have grown.

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Now, let's have a look at the strategies related to self-criticism.

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The first strategy is to disconnect your actions from you as a person.

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So it is not because you did something wrong that you are wrong.

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So important to make that distinction.

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You have to sit with that thought, okay?

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You have to repeat it to yourself.

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It's not because you did something wrong that you are wrong,

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or it's not because you did something incorrectly that you are incorrect,

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okay?

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Repeat that to yourself.

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Second strategy related to self-criticism is to stop zooming in on the negatives

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while you are ignoring the positives.

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Meaning that you celebrate your accomplishments and also you keep track of your progress.

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So a little story time.

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This is again one thing that actually was really important in my journey.

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I was working super hard and I was doing everything I could to reach perfection or

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whatever I thought perfection was.

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And I was not stopping to celebrate accomplishment.

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I was basically just happy for, I don't know, a few seconds.

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And then I started criticizing the work that I did do.

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And then I would just kind of

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reach for something else.

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So I would set a higher standard.

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So nothing was ever enough.

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And that made me miserable.

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It really made me fucking miserable.

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So please be proud of what you accomplish and make sure to take time to think about that as well.

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The third strategy is to stop your black and white thinking.

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So the things you do aren't just good or shit.

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Usually things are any shade of gray, right?

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So pay attention to what you did right.

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And balance that out a little bit.

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So if you think you did something in a shitty way,

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and now you think that everything is shit,

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again,

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look for positives.

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Look at what you did right.

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And it's going to give you a much more balanced view on the whole thing.

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The fourth strategy is to keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes, even you.

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You're not a god, so you are going to make mistakes and you're also allowed to make mistakes.

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It makes you human, not a bad or a stupid person.

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The last strategy that I have is related to exposure therapy.

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And basically just means that you leave things imperfectly and then you see what happens.

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For example, I did my reports in half the time that I would normally spend on it.

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And then I checked what actually happened.

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Spoiler alert, nothing happened because no one cared.

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Because my standard was so high that even if I did it in half the time,

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my report was still really,

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really good.

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So try that.

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Leave something, quote unquote, imperfectly and then monitor what happens.

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Okay, guys, that was it for today.

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I really hope that you enjoyed all of this and that this has helped you in some kind of way.

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As always, you can obviously reach out, leave me a message with any questions that you have.

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So thanks for listening, guys.

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Ciao.